An effective bereavement counsellor walks alongside you in your grief and in your process of mourning. As each person’s experience is an individual and complex one, so too will be the counselling journey.

In his book, Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy,  J. William Worden PhD  outlines what he considers to be the principles of grief counselling. These principles are facilitated by the counsellor. I have listed some of the principles here:

Principle One: Help Actualise the loss – Often when someone dies there is a sense that it is not real. Although you may understand at some level that your loved one is dead and will not return, to become completely aware takes time. A counsellor facilitates this process by listening to you talk about your loss, including how it happened, the funeral, and talking about specific memories you have of the deceased both past and present.

Principle Two: Identify and experience the many and painful feelings of grief – Although you may come to counselling to alleviate your pain more quickly, what counselling does is help you through the pain and gain acceptance as to how you feel. A counsellor will help you through this process in a measured and balanced way, as meeting the pain head on can be overwhelming.

Principle Three: Help you accommodate to life without the deceased – How you adjust will depend on the many roles the deceased played in your life and how well you can fulfil these roles in other ways. A counsellor can help you come to your own decisions about the way forward and reduce the emotional overload which is often experienced. A word of caution: major decisions will often be discouraged, as grief and long term decisions are often not good house buddies.

Principle Four: Facilitate finding meaning in the death – Why is a question that is often asked after a death, and can be processed within counselling.

Principle Five: Find a New Emotional home for the Deceased

Principle Six: Time to grieve is facilitated in counselling. The loss of a loved one has many losses and ramifications which are not always immediately apparent. Through counselling each can be identified, seen, heard and accommodated.

Principle Seven: What is normal? An effective counsellor can help you sift through your experience to help you understand and interpret what you are going through and let you know what is a normal grief reaction.

If you would like to make an appointment for bereavement counselling, please call or email Bronwyn at Your Path Psychotherapy and Counselling.

Reference
Worden, J. William. 2003. Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy, 3rd Ed, Routledge, London and New York.

Often after the death of a loved one, the question is asked, how long will the pain last? How long can I expect to feel this way?

There is no one universal truth or answer.

One perspective given by Therese Rando, in The Treatment of Complicated Mourning (1993) is that acute grief will normally subside, but mourning may continue for years or even forever. Grief and mourning is a fluctuating process. Some evidence for this can be found in the upsurges of grief around anniversaries, holidays or significant events.

Grief reactions are common after life has had to resume. You are back at work and outside support is starting to be withdrawn. Then, you are hit by a birthday, a wedding anniversary, Christmas, or an event that you would have shared with the deceased. Besides the loss of the loved one you may also have a new loss in the event itself. You are now “confronted with the loss in striking and unexpected ways that poignantly bring home its full measure” (Rando, 1993, p.63). You may experience intense emotions, illness, sleeplessness, disturbing thoughts or a whole range of individual reactions.

It is important to understand the fluctuating nature of mourning, as unexpected grief reactions can be frightening , have you feeling like they are going mad, regressing or judging yourself for not coping as you would want or how others expect you should.

I have listed below some practical suggestions that may help you plan around anniversaries:

Awareness around anniversary dates means that you can pre-empt  them and use them as another opportunity to be with your feelings and recognise the impact of the loss.

Find a way to give healthy expression to your feelings – drawing, journaling, a letter to your loved one or action oriented activities such as sport, running, and walking.

Recognising and being with the little losses can also help us be prepared for what works for us in the bigger losses (Neimeyer 2000, p.59).

Organise to do something enjoyable with friends or family. Start a ritual that is significant for you and that can be repeated each year on the anniversary. Plant a tree, make a donation, have a get together.

Create situations where you can talk about your loved one with a supportive others. Often friends decide not to bring them up because they think it will create more pain. Ask friends to be more open about discussing them.  Reminisce.

Visit your loved ones grave with family members on the day.

Spend time making a photo collage or a memory book which can be shared and discussed with family and friends.

If your grief means that your ability to function is impaired significantly, then it may be time for specific help to be sought. Share your experience of grief with a counsellor who specialises in grief and bereavement work, make an appointment for grief counselling with Bronwyn at Your Path Psychotherapy and Counselling, in her rooms in Greenlane, Auckland.

References
Neimeyer, R.A.  (2000) Lessons of Loss, A Guide to Coping. Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, Australia.
Rando, T.A. (1993) Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Research Press, USA.

I see clients in my counselling practice who are feeling judged for how they are grieving. They are not just judged by others, they judge themselves harshly as well. Perhaps they are very emotional and seeking support, or maybe they are coping with their grief by being active.

The issue of understanding how you grieve is particularly important when couples, or family members are grieving in different ways and are not feeling supported by each other.

Doka and Martin (2010) have proposed a model of grieving styles that may help individuals understand themselves and aid more understanding of others. The model also informs me as a counsellor to design interventions suitable to your grieving style.

The model suggests grieving styles (including how we express and experience grief, and how we adapt to loss) are on a continuum from intuitive to instrumental. Styles can also be blended.

By Intuitive Griever they mean:

•          Express: More emotion is shown
•          Experience: Grief is experienced mostly as painful feelings
•          Adapt to Loss: There is a need to share feelings with others

By Instrumental Griever they mean:

•          Express: More thinking and cognitive work is done
•          Experience: Grief is experienced intellectually
•          Adapt to Loss: There is a need to convert energy to activity or problem solving.

Grief and grieving can be interrupted if you are one style, but are compelled to express or adapt to loss in ways which don’t match your inner experience.

For example a man or a woman may be an intuitive griever, but because of family or societal pressure, may feel the need to ‘man up’ and supress their feelings.

Counselling can help individuals, couples and family members understand each other’s grieving styles, and normalise and validate your own experience of grief. Counselling interventions can also be tailored to your grieving style.

If how you are experiencing grief in a way that you find yourself judging how you are, then consider making an appointment with a counsellor who specialises in grief and bereavement work. Make an appointment with Bronwyn at Your Path Psychotherapy and Counselling, in her rooms in Greenlane, Auckland.

References
Doka, K.J. PhD and Martin, T. L. PhD (2010) Grieving Styles: Gender and Grief. Grief Matters, Winter 2011. Vol.14:2, pp42-45.

Parents and caregivers worry about what to tell the children after a parent dies.

Whether children are asking direct questions or not, they are asking questions of themselves and trying to understand. Without the aid of adults, it is common for misunderstandings and imagining circumstances worse than reality.

A child can’t often let you know what they need when they are grieving. Below is some information to consider when meeting the needs of children who are grieving:

• • Children grieve too. They need for those around them to acknowledge their loss directly with them.
  • To have support from adults. A child can learn a lot from the grief modelled by a parent or other adults. They learn its ok to be angry (expressed in safe ways), it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to cry.
  • Children need to be included in the grieving process of those around them. To be included in the funeral. To be included in discussions.
  • An opportunity and help to understand. It is an adult’s job to start the conversation. The child will engage and ask questions over time. But adults need to provide repeated opportunities to build understanding. Use clear and concrete language, be open and honest. It’s also important to check their understanding, as words taken literally can create confusion.
  • Children need to know the death was not their fault. That the parent will always love them and miss them. That there is nothing that they could have done to prevent the death. That they are still wanted.
  • To openly talk about the parent who has died. A continuing bond is created by talking and recounting special memories. By not talking about them from fear that it will cause more pain is flawed thinking. Not talking openly sends the message that it’s not ok. The child will then want to protect other adults by not bringing the dead parent up when they need to.
  • Have the expectation that the child should and will be affected by the death of a Parent. Grief is often shown in behaviour such as acting out, being aggressive, attention seeking, being loud or hyperactive. Being shy, withdrawn, clingy or not joining in activities. This is normal. Have an expectation that children may act differently and hold this experience for them.
  • Routines can be comforting. Organised activities can also help to calm and distract children, and have time off from grieving.

Death is a normal part of the cycle of life. How a child is held through the experience of a death of a Parent will impact future losses.

If you would like to discuss your grieving process or that of a child, then consider making an appointment with a counsellor who specialises in grief and bereavement work. Make an appointment with Bronwyn at Your Path Psychotherapy and Counselling, in her rooms in Greenlane, Auckland.

References
Good Grief  Ltd (2008) Picking up the Pieces. A Guide to Supporting Children in Grief. Good Grief Australia.
Kubler-Ross, E and Kessler, D.  (2005) On Grief and Grieving. Simon and Schuster, London.
Tonkin, L. (2003) Now What? A Guide for People Living with the Death of Someone Close. John Rhind Funeral Directors, Christchurch NZ.

Grief and loss is a part of life, just as sex is.

How we grieve is different for all of us. Just as how we approach sex and what it means for us also differs.

Sex could be about comfort, physical pleasure, bodily contact, emotional intimacy or the need for connection, or a varying combination of all five.

When a partner dies, you grieve their death. But there are also secondary losses, often unacknowledged. One of which is the loss of your sex life.

The question of when to enter another sexual relationship or how to be with growing desires when they do return for you, can often provoke feelings of guilt, betrayal and selfishness. Or the drive for another sexual partner may be driven by a need to connect so you don’t feel so alone or abandoned. Or maybe you just want to feel alive again.

Whatever the reason, how you view your returning needs will impact your grief journey and how you reintegrate back into your life. It can be a time of increased anxiety and confusion.

If you would like to feel clearer about your sexual life or relationships going forward then consider making an appointment with a counsellor who specialises in grief and bereavement work. Make an appointment with Bronwyn at Your Path Psychotherapy and Counselling, in her rooms in Greenlane, Auckland.

References
Kubler-Ross, E and Kessler, D.  (2005) On Grief and Grieving. Simon and Schuster, London.
Rando, T.A. (1993) Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Research Press, USA.
Worden, J. William. 2003. Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy, 3rd Ed, Routledge, London and New York.